I’m in a constant struggle between politeness, and doing what feels right.
As a Singaporean-Australian female - who grew up in Australia, there’s not a day that goes by that I don’t feel like I’m different, or that I don’t belong. By my existence I’m positioned with one foot in two cultural camps; not belonging to either. I’m caught between two worlds and I know I’m not alone in feeling that way.
Reflecting on past experiences it’s comical to me that most of the people who have told me to accept the question ‘Where are you from?’ are white. The question usually emerges unprovoked from strangers, early in an encounter. The notion that I should take this as harmless is comical because, let’s be honest - if someone was speaking to me on the phone they wouldn’t be asking that question.
Worse still, is the further persistence and probing: ‘No, no - originally! Where are your parents from?’.
While I don’t doubt many people would genuinely be interested in me, my heritage and my history, I fail to understand why it matters for them to know. Does it make it easier for you to put me into the context of your life and your experience? Does it make you feel like a nuanced person for noticing I don’t look like you? Whatever the reason, it's a narcissistic and repetitive statement that informs me that I don’t and will never ‘belong’ in the society and culture I grew up in.
As a woman I must be careful how I react as it might invoke a defiant or violent response. As a woman of colour (WoC) I must be careful how I react so as not to offend, lest I prevent others from delving into an empathic exploration of different realities to theirs. How else will we grow together as a society? But I’m also starkly aware of how WoC, and BIWoC (Black or Indigenous women of colour) are fetishised and pigeonholed for the sake of other people’s comfort and convenience.
My rule of thumb is to never ask the question, Where are you from?, unless the person I am engaging with offers up information to indicate otherwise.
Not every WoC or BIWOC person will agree with me; but then again, many will. If you meet me out somewhere, get to know me as a person and as your equal. Take a genuine interest - there are a million questions you can ask to show your interest in and empathy for a person, before needing to know their ethnic background.